transitions.

Monday, April 30, 2007

i guess everyone doesn't want to listen about it.

your lies are so funny.

they make me want to laugh.

on top of that, who are you to speak with that attitude and what gives you the right to even bullshit when you cant even actually act according to what you say.

what a loser, thats why you deserved an ending like this.
this is not a korean drama, its a reality show.

so you can get your fancy scripts out of your brains.

**************

and i somewhat.

i realized how it felt to be _______. finally.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

i wished i had a happy band that could made me smile 24/7.

i wished i had something to hold on to. fairy tale don't happen.

watched densha otoko. its a fairy tale, its not true but yet its something i want to believe in.

to kill my hope is to take my life away from me.

no one sees it.

nobody.

Friday, April 27, 2007

don't ever betray your feelings.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

sometimes its kind of a disappointment when someone pushes everything back on you.

hey- i know its my fault and i don'tneed anyone to tell me that its my fault to realize my own mistake. what sometimes makes me laugh, is that you asked me not to blame you. i never blamed anyone for my actions, even if i submit to peerpressure, or anything of that sort. i would rather you put it in another way instead of saying, don't blame me. perhaps maybe a white lie or something.

this is how the world works, in the end. i suffered. i screw myself up. thanks to my own stupidity and definition of trust. i wished i could trust people lesser and trust myself more and stop falling apart everytime when something go wrong.

i met enough disappointment. from people that i trust, from people i call friends. and of course myself. selfishness, wanting everything good for their own. sometimes i wished i could meet people who are not SO selfish. whatever it is, seems like reality is, is better that people die off first before you die. why should i be nice in the first place.

hypocritcal.

i shall make my joy become your pain, and your agony become my laughter.

even now i can't live with this*

tapi tapi tapi tapi.

__________________________.

im here.

you're here.

so i win =D

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

i feel... fuck-ed? no no. i meant happy.

my brain isnt working quite well today.

so lets not talk about things that require my brains.

so first come the emotions -

hmm let me decide how i want to feel now.

grumpy!

see.

i come to my blog having so much shit to write about but in the end i don't want to write about anything. man i wonder whats the point of the blog at times. so i end up bringing all those bad thigns and good things and bring them back all to lalaland, and thus we forget all about them.

see,

up till this point its still pretty bullshit.

like

this point.

im still writing nonsense.

i want people to know about my life, but i don't want to tell them.
or more like, i wished they would try to find out for themselves.

but.

in the end i still won't tell them. so what is the point being then.

h.a.h.a

okay its getting more nonsensical at this point of time.

i seriously think im cranky now.

and the conclusion of this entry,

let the water flow, and it will lead to the sea.
let nature takes it course, what is meant to be will be.
and thats why people will be happy.

=D

Monday, April 23, 2007

its raining this past few days and i dont know what to do. i could feel myself falling sick and getting fatter each day. how come my health gets worse when im here. and the urge to go the toilet everyday perhaps due to improper digestion, wait how come i have improper digestion anyway! arh.

but the rain is nice, it washes away the dirt on my car. wished it could wash away all the sadness and pain people have to bear with. then perhaps the sun would just appear and then make us smile again.

i bet you* dont understand what im writting, why is it so complicated.

hmmm. maybe reading too much of joyce's poetic entries made me want to type like this. emo, yet not emo.

hahaha. maybe i should be happy in san diego because i have pokka green tea to drink everyday. thats a good reason to be happy because not everyone gets to drink that brand of tea. plus i get to eat the best potato croquette if i want to! like the best.

okay im grumbling and no one would want to read it. i guess thats perhaps how life would be, sometimes instead of grumbling, i could take a pill and sleep and forget about everything that happened yesterday. i think everyone is sick of hearing me grumble, maybe i seal myself so i wont grumble.

often when i look back in life, especially the past few months and i wonder how much i changed. how much, like just how much i changed. being jealous of others, feeling angered, hateful and all sort of emotions. the darwin now i know, i can't even write a testimonial for myself cause i think i dont know what am i like now. hahaha. i wonder how much i changed, but the mirror couldn't tell me anything.

friendster testimonials are no longer for people to write what the person is like, but more like a place to speak, to tell the world how you are feeling then and so forth.

i wished i could be me.

but no one would accept the way i was. did they? or did i fail to see their effort.

but .

i should learn to be happy and contented with life ( you know a real darwin would never say that ). hahahahahaha! okay im nuts, 3.34 am and perhaps my brain is driving me nuts.

i think people who say" who am i " are really stupid. who am i? check your birth cert and you'll know. to think that i was stupid enough to ask myself who am i.

okay,

so what am i writing about.

my point?

filling the blog with words and rubbish-es.

haaaaaaaaaaaaa.

i'll write a proper one next time when im feeling okay.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

i almost forgot how it felt to "C".

"C" so make me wanna {C}ry.

Friday, April 20, 2007

i dont know why sandiego was raining, but i was pissed at the rain for making my favourite shoes wet.

and my tummy hurt too. bad day and teacher was talking about death using the modal of 4 caveman who are chained with a stair case leading to the 3rd world. okay i should not elaborate on my lecture since no one understand anyway.

sometimes i hate it so much, when you are saying something about me and you act like you're not. if you mean it, then say it.

bottling up everything. it definitely doesnt make you feel any better. but sometimes, it doesnt feel like we have a choice in it.

don't act like you know me. please don't.

Monday, April 16, 2007

this weekend was fruitful. but in the end, it didnt felt it was. i guess often results doesnt matter, its just how you feel ultimately. like, you can have the best car in the world, yet you miss your 1969 mustang that is rusty and of no value in the market. you can have the prettiest girl in your arms, yet you will never feel complete.

ended up, i wasted my weekend cause i don't feel like i achieved anything.

thats bad. cause you feel empty.

sleeping is still the ultimate cure, with some magic drinks and pills. days gets by easier. yawns.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

i feel helpless.

i guess the only thing i can do, is to pray to god for those i love, for those i want to protect. this is probably the best thing i can do.

endless wondering and pondering of possibilities, thinking negatively often send me into instant depression. i wished often i had that ability to control how i feel and what i want to think.

in anycase, the only thing i want to do now. is for everything around me to be back to normal again.

sighs. how come my blog became a sad blog only after few entries.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

today, i'm happy cause i got myself a remote controller.

and my roommate is amazed by how i'm excited by just having a remote controller. my so called self-fufilled, money bought excitement.

pathetic.

to ewen and andre. i hope the two of you don't die or something in the camp. when i come back, you guys are going to have such a hotbody while i don't. thats pretty sad isn't it.

sometimes i look at my blog and see myself talking to myself and im amused cause i know andre and ewen won't be here to read my blog. i feel hurt. sometimes i want people to read yet sometimes i don't want people to read. that kinda mixed feeling that makes me a paranoid of the ultimate.

paranoid.

im so tired, of ????.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

its 3.32 am. after getting several heart attack for no reasons, i feel kinda tensed. i could feel like as if adrenaline is pumped up to my brain and i can't sleeep and AH

class is at 9am and i just hope that i don'thave to start singing or something. today work was cancelled and i was asked to return home.

the rest of today, its kinda shitty so i dont want to elaborate it.

i cleaned up my room, like move the stuff here and there. my room was clean untill i took off my jeans and had my bad habit that i learned from you* and now my floor is flooded with my clothes. i see one pair of jean and lotsa socks ( dirty ) and of course, my favourite of all times, and probably your favourites too. BAGS. ARRGGHH cant get rid of them. tmr, probably more things will be on the ground. dang.

tmr i look foward to not working. i want to take a break from working and getting insulted and scolded.

Monday, April 09, 2007

its 6am in the morning and why still can't i fall asleep.

i really dont know what to say. emotions that can never be expressed by words.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

" DARWIN YOU ARE SO NAUGHTY ".

yeah yeah yeah.

my cough have been so bad i wasnt able to go to school. gossh i have been coughing for MORE than a WEEK! NO. im so gonna die plus the lack of sleep make the healing even harder.
i can't really remember what i was about to write but i think this week many bad things happened. my digicam went missing, my special pen went missing too, and my chain broke. oh man. how now brown cow.

i dont know why but i feel like eating some warm rice with some beef tongue. hungry! hungry! san diego food is good but im running out of money. just ate phil's bbq with my friends. i think i seriously eat like a freaking sissy, HALF A SLAB. when others eat 1 and half slab. and my cough, man doesnt make me even want to blog. hahahahaha but friends thanks for visiting my blog. lol i kinda forget that i have blog till i remembered it today. im nuts, and i shall sleep!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

so after a donkey years of hibernation i finally pick up my ( virtual pen ) and start blogging. oh just in case you guys didnt know, those faces blocking my blog entry, they are actually me in cartoon forms. hahaha just want to catch your attention with those things. hahahaha.

so, when shall i start. well, we shall start from now. i hope you guys don't go reading the past entries, cause i myself don't even want to read but i got no way of removing them. i really dont know what to blog since i dont know what to blog. but needless to say, the blog is the best way to rant and grumble. cause the blog will ALWAYS be there for you, thats like the whole idea of having a blog. grumbling, bitching and you know it just feels better cause someone out there will definitely read. but yeah, if someone find it offensive please jolly well get out of my site.

so.

lets start with myself. let me think, what exactly happened to me. i was in a period of depression for the past few months because of some issues i had with my girlfriend. i suffered and i think i kinda got damaged pretty badly. how damaged am i? the way i picture is that im like a car now moving at ultra low speed with the front hood is like bent, lights broken, the car is dirty and there are thick fumes coming out from the exhaust. like those 1980 nissan/datsun cars we see. haha but nah, i'll walk out of this. ( hopefully ).

anyway, lets start updating with life. my grades suffered, i suffered too ( mentally and physically ). like right now,i dont know why the way i look at it is that i cant stand seeing people who are short and fat. i just feel irritated especially when they wear the jeans and their meat just plunge out of no where. everytime when i go to school and i see that i get so turned off. man.
this week, i made many many friends! friends from san jose! they are here now enjoying their springbreak. oh ya i went to sf with my bestfriend tyo-san and jeffry-san. haha really enjoyed their companion there. things weren't exactly pleasant, though i dont know why it wasnt pleasant. nothing bad happened though, but honestly speaking it DIDNT feel right. i can't explain it why but its just a feeling. anyhow, i kinda like san diego better. cause at times, its a place where no one can find you. you can have sex and get drunk with anyone and nobody will know. but once again, because no one is here its weird.

working everyday and i lost my voice. i can't talk for god sake! i have to work tomorrow like 8 am. how lame can that get. hahaha which means shit i only have like 5 hours to sleeep. grrrr. i don't know why but it just feel weird ranting, perhaps its been a long time since i rant. hahahahaha. next thing that i wonder if i should lock up my blog now and restrict access. but if thats the case, then it would be freaking dumb then the wallpaper is pointless. AH.

one problem with bloging, i think its that it feels weird cause all you do is ranting and there is not respone from the computer. i wished blogger could make something like, an automated reply. you know that goes " man, you're gonna be fine ". hahahaha okay nvm im crazy. i kinda think im talking like qiaoying, especially the way i rant. gosh im crazy without 3 months of bloggingg! AAAAH!

okay i shall save some topic to rant for tomorroww! for those who are still having springbreak, i hope they enjoy themselves. cause springbreak is probably the most happening thing you can have for the year ( not exactly ).

cause i spring break reminds me of SPRING - BREAK.

AAAAAAAWWWW.

fuck, im crazy.